Haduken

You’re Retired!

by: Susan

Wondering if what you’re about to say/write is funny? Here’s a good rule of thumb: if it is a saying, a word, or device that was funny three to five years ago, there is an 80% chance that it is not funny now. This can become confusing, because things that were funny five to ten years ago have an 80% chance of being hilarious now. Those have to be retired and then come out of retirement again later in order to be special. Think Disney Vault.

Here are things that I am hereby retiring, not because I have the authority but because, well, somebody has to.

1. Muuwwwhhaha (aka The Evil Laugh)
2. “Myyy preciousssss”
3. You’re fired! (Firing people is still ok, saying it like Trumpsy is not)
4. Trumpsy (haha jk jk, I just made it up so it is of course still funny)
5. Celebrity nicknames of the J.Lo and Brangelina quality (except ScarJo, which is at time of writing still ok but not for long)
6. High fives
7. Physical comedy, (especially the “large thing hits villain in the balls, camera freezes on villain’s face, villain lets out high pitched noise, kid hero giggles as they run away” variety)
8. “We’ve got companyyyy!” (in the sing-songy way that has been in every movie since 1905. There has GOT to be a better way to say “someone we don’t like is now our unexpected visitor”)
9. Sarcasm (”Chandler Bing”).
10. Describing yourself as sarcastic (or saying your favorite Friend is “Chandler Bing”).
11. Napolean Dynamite jokes
12. Zoolander jokes (well, maybe just “Hansel, so hot right now. Hansel.”)
13. Anchorman jokes
14. “Show me the money!”
15. “I’m the king of the world!!” (this might be back soon though)
16. Borat

So R.I.P. for now, valiant soldiers, you have served us well. We will see you in a few years. Except when you make cameo appearances ironic quotations or all caps. I am totally guilty of that.

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  1. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, wait what?! ND isn’t 3 to 5 years old! We’ve got another 26 days!

    — Justin | @

  2. big yes to #6
    bigger no to #13

    — Valerie | @

  3. High fives followed by a healthy, “Boo-ya!” are awesome. Any variation of a high five that involves fist/knuckles needs to be banned for a good 10 years minimum.

    Referencing “Friends” should be a no-no.

    I don’t know why and I’m sure I’ll never be able to explain it, but a good crotch shot is always hilarious especially when it happens to a friend. Faked, staged shots, not so funny. Out of the blue, unexpected shots… good times for all except the recipient.

    Someone please retire the following:

    -Morning radio involving two male dj’s making lame jokes involving farts, crank calls, and pretend guests with one women dj to laugh at the extreme unfunniness.

    -Sitcoms involving the stupid father (usually fat) unexplainably married an attractive woman who has all the answers. Father makes an ass of himself but for the right reasons. Kids can never really act well. Jokes recycled from sitcom to sitcom.

    -Carlos Mencia.

    — grs | @

  4. Yeah I need to work on the Friends referencing, because I seriously do it about 30 times a day. I can’t help it. I watch it confused with real life. Although, “We were on a break!” will come out of the vault soon, I can feel it.

    High fives were Ross’s idea.

    I WAS THINKING ABOUT MORNING ZOOS IN THE SHOWER THIS MORNING FOR NO REASON!!!! How weird.

    Fat husband forgets anniversary, is worried. Hot wife forgets also, and is worried. Both fat husband and hot wife try to conceal this from each other. Hilarity!

    — Susan | @

  5. What about the ironic high five? still acceptable?

    — RVAkid | @

  6. There’s no way I’m retiring the high five. Ever. They’re the Chanel suit of hand gestures.

    — Chris | @

  7. Thank you Chris, I’m glad someone is talking sense around here.

    — nic | @

  8. I’d high five you if this conversation was happening in meat space, just to be smarmy.

    — Chris | @

  9. the only thing better than a high five is yelling out “show me the money” while performing a high five. then doing an air guitar.

    — midas | @

  10. “Show me the money” is *totally* unretired. TOTALLY.

    — Ross | @

  11. [...] The previous Quarterly Retired Report can be found here. [...]

    — Made in Richmond » FYI | @

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