I got it at the PX…(Just in case you were wondering…)
by ArlingtonUnKnown
No matter where you are in the Sandbox, you can almost always amuse yourself by going to the PX and browsing around. (The PX for those of you that don’t know is the POST EXCHANGE…it’s the Army/Airforce equivalent of Kmart except you don’t pay tax on any of your purchases.) Anyway, there’s an array of random useless items that you can find at just about any camp out here…each camp’s PX has it’s own cache of dumb stuff just waiting to be discovered!?! So, here are some finds…in no particular order…
1. Aqua Games Pearl Divers Retrieval Game: $ 11.95
Pearl Divers, a fun-filled water sport that one must ASSUME can be played in the desert, tests your ability to sink to the bottom of a pool after having gained more than ten pounds of pudge from a daily diet of burgers and fried chicken. This giant plastic clam hides a fortune of giant plastic pearls, which taunt you from the bottom of the pool as you float helplessly above it. Despite this fact, the game will provide hours of entertainment for those outside the pool, who will undoubtedly be amused by your undulating mass of back fat.
2. SoBe No Fear SUPER Energy Supplement: $ 1.99
If sugar is a means of eradicating fear, most servicemembers in Kuwait have nothing to worry about considering the THOUSANDS of pounds of ice cream consumed there every day. For those who DON’T eat ice cream, you can quench both your fear and your thirst as you relive the embarrasment of owning a closet full of NO FEAR T-shirts – for far less than the cost of a new wardrobe.
3. SPEC-OPS Recon Wrap: $14.98
ANYONE can conduct reconnaissance in boring brown, black, or camouflage colored head gear, but it takes a true special-operations warrior to evade enemy eyes while wearing this FLUORESCENT wrap. AND at $ 14.98, this piece of cloth is an incredible bargain. Sure you could make the same thing out of an old T-Shirt, but then you’d be stuck lugging around an extra $ 14.98 in cardboard AAFES pogs. (I don’t feel like explaining AAFES right now…it’s the people that run the shopettes and PX…they give us “pogs” instead of change in the sandbox.)
4. Pure Touch Tush Wipes: $ 1.75
Having a nasty reaction to all the one-ply toilet paper in theater? We have the answer: Tush Wipes. These wet wonders have been breathing new life into tired tushes for years. Each package contains 12 single-use wipes, a big improvement over the competition, whose packs include six dual-use towels. And don’t worry if you’re new to the tush-wiping world. Tush Wipes come complete with three-step instructions!
Very funny.
Hey, I remember the shock my butt suffered freshman year of college when I had to settle for scrathy single-ply – I imagine its significantly worse in the desert, what with the sand and all.
haha that clam thing is awesome. it’s magnificent.
also, ditto on the tush wipes. that is my greatest weakness, wiping my butt, so i would be very grateful, were i participating in any kind of war, to have a premium ass-wiping solution, for those private moments of reflection on man’s inhumanity to man.
-midas
It is true, that is his weakness – the guy refuse to buy meat suitable for anything other than brazing – but he will never skimp on his Charmin super mega ultra-soft triple roll.
i want a bidet
Sweet crap I hope my boyfriend doesn’t read what you just wrote midas. If he knew there was someone out there that both understood his love for bidets AND had an abundance of chest hair…well…let’s just say I’d be looking for a new man.
Hahha this is an amazing post. The world is so strange.
haha i think we have talked about it before actually. tell him i waxed my shoulders again, but it wasnt nearly as sensual as when he did it.
-midas
dust mask mode is identical to boonie mode, only in boonie mode you have to wear a crocodile dundee hat. i assume the hat is sold seperately? what a ripoff!
the lines are in the same places and everything; they didnt even bother to draw a different picture.
-midas
what!?! I did it!
Greatest Haduken post ever…no Maura you did it later…Mattera waxed your boyfriends shoulders first. The crack is next.
lord knows it needs it.
-midas
Do you get dingleberries?
Dingleberries is possibly the best word ever EVER, it makes me giggle like a five year old.
Couch, I am aware that cmattera and midas shared some nads in the past – I was expressing my indignation that midas considered your bf’s waxing job far more senual then the one I gave him. I mean, whatever, I guess it’s what I get for dating someone who perfers the company of MEN.
this whole thing is bizzaro. is my tax $ going to this??? the should sell sand.
Max, nic, fetzer, and I had a roommate who confidently said “i could sell ice to an igloo……. man.” see, he meant eskimo… ehhhh, probably funnier in person. sigh.
anyway! midas. i *hear* (from someone not my wife… seriously, not her) that brazilian women are crazy waxers. they have no problem with the “less-seen” parts of the human body. as in, you go and ask for a “brazilian wax” and the next thing you know, they’re like “roll over” and you’re getting everything, and i mean *everything* waxed. maybe you should try it out. i don’t know if it’s the same for guys (my info comes from a female informant). let us know how it goes. it sounds liberating… in a creepy, sort of disgusting, painful kind of way.
yeah dude they invented the thong. so you can’t have any hair back there. it would be unseemly. i should know, i lived there.
brazil deserves more respect. just for inventing the thong. amen?
it’s just a jungle back there. nobody really knows what lives there. it’s like the amazon rain forest, there could be dinosaurs, bigfoot, you name it.
-midas